I want my wardrobe back!

This last weekend, I was debating the need to finally give up and let go of my smaller wardrobe - smaller in garment sizing, not in content.  It's all of the wonderful stuff that I found when I lost 60 pounds back in 2002, and found out that shopping ready-to-wear could be fun and could actually work for me!  I haven't been able to wear much of any of it since the 2008-2009 school year, when I finally gained back the last 20 pounds of that 60.  The first 40 pounds had fought their way back on between 2002 and 2008, but the last 20 came fast and furious during a year of trying to do too much.

I just could not bring myself to go into that walk-in closet and start pulling things out, bagging things up.  There are so many pieces in that closet that feel so good ON ME!  So I decided to try one more time, falling back on everything that I learned on the old LA Weightloss program.  I don't have any of the old food journals left, and decided to see what I could find online.  Besides some cute forms that I do actually like, I found My Food Diary.  It's not free, but it's a lot less than what I was spending on LA Weightloss protein bars, you know, the ones that are really candy bars?  I'm on a 7-day free trial, but so far, I really, really like it! 

My Food Diary does have space for a user to record notes and thoughts as well as food consumption, exercise, weight and measurements, etc.  I started to compose a note detailing my start-up and first couple of days' progress.  As I typed, I realized that part of my success, this time around, is going to come from not keeping this to myself.  I was successful with LA Weightloss, largely because of the 3x-week weigh-ins and the support of the counselors.  I don't have them anymore, so I'm going to be my own support, by sharing this here, and maybe on Facebook too.  So here's what I typed in my first note on My Food Diary.

I started on Sunday, and had a really bad day, almost frantic in my need to eat things that I did NOT NEED!  I was at exactly the same weight I've been for the last 3 years, so nothing had changed there.  I can keep that weight without starving myself, and I was not actually going up any.  But once I made the decision to try one more time, the intense self-sabotage set in!  My inner child just does not like being deprived and her definition of deprived is truly warped and depraved!

Monday morning I was up .5 pound, but had a really good day overall, and did not go far outside of reasonable, either by LA Weightloss standards, or by the feedback of the My Food Diary.  I am using the two together, the portion specifications from LAW and the feedback here for salt, etc.  If I have to do this without the support of the LAW counselors and the thrice-weekly weigh-ins, then this is the best I've been able to figure out to keep from doing this totally alone.  Granted, doing it with a computer program on a web-site is not exactly the same as it was 9 years ago, but this actually feels good.  I can do this.

Tuesday morning I was back down the .5 pound plus some.  Yeah!

This morning I had totally undone the damage of Sunday, and had begun the downhill run, 2.5 pounds down.  That's how I remember things from the LAW year...always a steady stream of positive results, starting with the 10 pound loss in the first week and averaging 4 pounds per week, including those 10, for many weeks of the 6 months that it took for me to reach my goal.  Every time I've tried since then, I've felt slapped in the face by the minuscule bits of progress that I've made, probably from not being as careful as I should have, from being self-indulgent and self-pitying.

This time, I've got to focus on learning to accept the small bits of progress.  I think that I did not keep the weight off before largely because I lost it too fast, too easy.  I'll probably have to work at it more this time, but that should be a good thing, providing more motivation to not regain it again.  If it takes me 9 months instead of 6 to reach my goal this time, that's actually really good.  It means that I can have a beer or a small ice cream once in a while and don't have to feel sorry for myself because I'm so deprived!  Yeah, right.

I will probably have to get a lot more serious about exercise this time around, but I'm going to see how much I can accomplish just by paying attention to what I'm doing in the house.  I remember walking a baby in the middle of the night (night terrors!).  I'd put him in the stroller and walk from the living room, through the dining room, through the kitchen, through the front hallway and back into the living room - the joys of having a 'round-n-round' floor plan!  It was something like 247 steps around the circuit.  No reason what so ever that I can't do that again now, not to comfort a crying infant, but to protect my health and my future.  And I can go up-and-down on the stairs a few extra times too.  Have the stairs, might as well take advantage of them.  In truth a home, and the maintenance thereof, can offer a lot in the way of self-improvement opportunities.

Well, MyFoodDiary.com or no, I'm still doing this largely on my own.  To fix that, I'm going to share with the world through my blog.  I may do so through Facebook as well.  If I know that other people are aware and maybe even watching, maybe that will help with my motivation.

And of course, there's that smaller wardrobe, hanging there, taking up a whole lot of space.  I had a hell of a wardrobe and I want it BACK!